Okay, I've got an admission to make

Andrew Kaiser, Portland, OR, 2012

After being extremely part-time this whole year [and more-or-less on hiatus from touring], thinking I might be ready to retire and move on, it's hit me in the last few weeks...

I'm getting withdrawals. I miss it.

I miss modeling full-time--the trips, running around catching the subway between three gigs a day, each shoot feeling like its own bubble--its own small microcosm where everything resets, where I'm with a new person or group of people and we find a new creative objective, a new dynamic.

I had a few bad experiences, and I allowed those FEW negative incidents and trips to make me jaded about the whole thing. Since when am I the sort of person to do that? Pfff!

For every bad shoot--where a "photographer" is soliciting me for sexual favors or threatening not to pay me if I don't agree to spread my legs or being just plain hostile--there's been a great one--where I'm laughing and moving in an almost meditative state, where the conversation flows easy and lighthearted and we talk shop, or maybe get more nitty-gritty.

For every bungled trip--where my bookings and hosts all cancel at the last minute, or where I've been robbed or stranded--there's been a trip where I find myself outrageously fulfilled and successful, keeping busy and laughing and creating and subjected to surprises, being fed and cared for by the local network of artists, being recommended to friends-of-friends whenever there's a hole in my schedule or my budget or given a place to stay when one of my hosts has to bail out, meeting awesome local models and finding we have so much more to talk about than just modeling.

There are photographers I miss working with [like Andrew, who just sent me the above image a couple days ago], and there are photographers I haven't yet had the pleasure to work with. Models I miss hanging out with. A creative process that I miss immersing myself in. At its best, modeling is a way of playing and meditating at the same time--and then, hours or days or weeks later, suddenly there's this beautiful product from all that play. I've been exposed to new photographers lately, who have work that really stirs me. I've been looking at the work of other models lately--seeing how they've expanded in the last year--and it's all gotten me way too excited to get back.

And yes, I needed the break this year--it's been a great one. A lot of non-modeling firsts, a lot of rites of passage:

--Went on a two-and-a-half month solo road trip that was all play and no work [an experiment in seeing if I could travel outside the context of the modeling world, neither relying on finding work nor on the network--and I wound up scuba diving on a beautiful island, finding myself at random concerts and a rodeo, climbing, running around strange cities, reconnecting with friends I hadn't seen in years and meeting new ones along the way]
--Backpacked solo through Yosemite, which included navigating myself out of a cross-country route where I'd gotten crazy-lost on my own for hours [having gotten two incompatible sets of directions, I decided to just figure it out a la map-and-compass] and befriending the kids of the High Sierra Camps as well as a really talented photographer/painter.
--Trained extensively in massage therapy and Eastern medicine, first learning in a barn in Mariposa and sleeping outside on a cot as wild turkeys ran rampant, then continuing my training in the ever beautiful and decadent Nevada City--a much more settled-in, slowed-down, feminine sort of place than what I'm accustomed to.
--Spent three and a half weeks out on the playa on my first Burn, watching a sparse desert landscape occupied by a few hundred people turn into a booming ever-active Pink Floyd Disneyland city of 60,000 vibrant people and the most phenomenal art projects...and then reduced back again.
--Extracted myself from the confines of being in a serious relationship, for the first time in six years, and have been redefining my identity, my values, my ethics, my dreams, ever since--without the context or input or criticism or validation of anyone else. Good stuff.
--Went on a trip to Grand Teton and Yellowstone for a three-day photo shoot...and learned a lot about myself in the process.

And more, but that's enough--this entry's getting plenty long already.

I have a few more plans for 2012 that will prevent me from focusing on modeling this year:
--I'm participating in NaNoWriMo [National Novel Writing Month], the goal of which involves writing a 50,000-word first draft to a novel entirely within the month of November. As of this morning, I'm at 8,888 words.
--I'll be teaching skiing once again, this time as a certified instructor, and pursuing massage therapy and holistic healing professionally.
--I'll be dirtbagging and climbing in the beautiful Eastern Sierra desert, with the secondary focuses of dancing, making music, writing, practicing yoga, and getting healthier than I've been.

That being said, I look forward to a few trips come sunshine in 2013! I mean it--making a commitment to buying tickets and setting dates, instead of just wistful talking. Stay tuned.

In the meantime, I may not update for a little while.

Hope you're all well! 8]

Drawbridge

J Andrescavage, Secret location

Doing NaNoWriMo, starting today.
Why not?

Fret to think.

Polaroid by Deep Exposure, South Bay, 2012

Let it sink.

A day in the life

Daren, East Bay, CA, October 2012

And it's a good, strange life!

So this is a cell phone picture taken during an informal frolic rather than a regimented photo shoot, but it is among my favorite photos ever [that is, out of the photos in which I, myself, am featured].

There's...a helluva lot going on in this snapshot.

omnia transeunt

YouAtHome, South Bay, CA, 2010

Anais Nin: "Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one's courage."

Tam's got a knack for bringing androgyny out of even the most feminine-featured women in his photos

Tam C. Nguyen, NYC, 2011

Rosa Luxemburg: "Those who do not move do not notice their chains."

I kissed a banana slug for luck that morning.

Alien Life, South Bay, CA, 20...10?

An oldie but goodie. One of my first shoots.

It was very cold. It was very early.

It's strange keeping this blog up because my life has deviated considerably from the modeling world. I still model--but not as I used to. There's so much ELSE going on in life that I'd been missing--being a traveling model feels like a relentless chase, at times, running through a hamster wheel and all that jazzcrap.

I'm thinking next year I may take a few trips [Northwest, East Coast, possibly elsewhere...maybe the midwest, and I may venture into SoCal again, but someone'll have to bribe me]. But I haven't cemented any plans yet--it's just an idea-seed, at this point.

Classy Lassie

Polaroid, Deep Exposure, San Jose, CA, 20...12?

Yup.

Recent reading:
A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess
Little Bee by Chris Cleave

No time to read just now, though. First comes life. On the road again.

So I've decided to update this blog twice a week from now on--Mondays and Thursdays [excepting today]. Three times a week will destroy me. So there you have it.

My new insomnia-induced hobby...

Carly Erin O'Neill, Los Angeles, CA, 2012

Coelum quid quaerimus ultra? Harmonia discors, sobria inebrietas, furor poeticus...cosi vivo piacer conduce a morte, sed crudelius est quam mori semper timere mortem. Chao--meus deus, meus rex--tu sola mihi placet.

Sed, ubi solitudinem faciunt, pacem appellant. Sumus grex agni. Agni dentati.

Ego horro vacui.

Vita contingit, cum eo vivemus! Primum viveri deinde philosophari!

Odi et amo, fieri sentio et excrucior. Quare id facere forasse requiris? Dulce periculum, et Chao curat femina efferus. Variatio delectat--concussus surgo, candid et secure. Pavesco—sed ferendo feres. Bis vincit qui se vincit.

Pavesco, sed melius frangi: si minor plus est ergo nihil sunt omnia. Audaces fortuna adiuvat--tempus alii disputant quapropter res est, effeci.

Ubicumque is, ibi es. Ex me nihilo minus quam: ego femina indomita. Ego virago vinnulus infernae, sub divo.

Sed errantia lumina fallunt. E tenebris lux--ignis divine e Chao--eleison...

...sive non.

[Omnia dicta fortiora, si dicta Latina.]

Whoops!

I've missed a few weeks, I know.

Been traveling without my computer, taking classes and shooting in Grand Teton and Yellowstone.

Behind on modeling stuff. But I'm more, more, more than okay with that.

I've become more selective. You'll see more of me around eventually. 8]

Corpse on Pumpkin, Portland, OR, 2011

Of course

Lucien Schmit, Vancouver, WA, 2011

Above all things, I take pride in my adaptability.
Falling from decadence into dirt and back again with ease.
The one thing I have never quite been able to adapt to is being told what to do.
Hence only doing freelance or seasonal work, the long dirtbag hiatuses, and the constant change of course.

No text this time. Just pig.

Christopher Lee Donovan, New Hampshire, 2011

Sketchiness

Boulder, CO, 2011

I need to find this guy's name again. I had it, and lost it--I think it's "David", but it could be "Daniel", or something else entirely, and I can't remember his last name for the life of me right now. It could be "Yu", but he didn't show up when I Googled it, so I must be misremembering.

Anyway, he's an extremely talented artist out of Boulder, CO [or somewhere near there]--he did this watercolor crayon drawing during a five or ten minute pose [I forget which] at a really, really awesome drawing group out of Boulder that I've had the good fortune to pose for multiple times. The artists there are extremely talented, there's a sense of ease and good humor about the place, and the tips when I worked there were veeery generous.

In retrospect, I kind of wish he'd given this drawing to me, but so it goes [not like I really have the space to store pictures, anyway].

There's something incredible about the way he captures expression, even in one-or-two minute poses, so I figured I'd share this [even though it's just a shitty, crooked snapshot that I took of the drawing, rather than a good photo or scan of the drawing]--you must be bored by now of looking at naked photos of me, right? 8]

Do geese see God?

Andrea Pun, Los Angeles, CA, 2010

This was taken by a really sweet art student from LA--she's slightly younger than I am. At the time, she was nineteen and I'd just turned twenty. I'd just finished up my season in Kings Canyon.

Not much to say this week, because I don't feel like being online because there is shit to do. So in the absence of more entertaining or weighty subjects that would take longer to write about, here are a few narcissistic points of interest:

1. I like palindromes--when setting alarms and microwave times, for instance, I generally enter palindromes. Word-wise, too. Never odd or even.
2. I like the look of priest cassocks--elegant, almost like evening dresses for men. Hahaha.
3. I like pulling on Wellington boots and stomping on horse shit in the back of a trailer in order to pack it down--it's like jumping on grassy marshmallows.
4. To explain #3: my first job ever was working as a stable hand, so that I could learn how to ride horses and barrel race.
5. My first language was Mandarin. I lost it when I learned English, at about age six.
6. I generally don't eat fruit [by that I mean "fruity" fruits--I'm not talking about tomatoes and zucchinis]. My main exceptions are coconuts, grapefruits, and pomegranates [though I can't STAND pomegranate juice, nor pomegranate-flavored things--only the fresh fruit].

Lazy man's yoga

Polaroid by Deep Exposure, San Jose, CA, 2012

In California again.
In Thai Massage school.
By the end of this month I'll have enough hours under my belt for my license. Feels good.

What's up, chicken butt?

Studio200, Alameda, CA, 2010

Hahahahaha.

I know what you're all thinking. You're thinking of quoting Fight Club. Get over it--everyone else already has. 8P

This used to be in my portfolio, because I loved it for its happy-whimsy-idiocy.

But then people started getting ideas and asking me to do things like this. People who don't have buddy privileges. 

Don't ask me to do something like this.

Real glamour

Winston Image, Sunnyvale, CA, 2011

I like this photo because, despite its rather glamour-y aesthetic, Winston left in all my scars, hair, tan lines, et al.

It's disheartening to shoot with someone, have them pluck out a good image, and then consequently abuse the clone stamp and liquefy tools until I look like someone else entirely [I make a point NOT to post those on here].

The truth is that most of the models in beauty ads have awkward body hair prickling out somewhere, or else they have belly fat, or else they have asymetrical boobs, or else they have cellulite, or else they have acne, or undereye circles, or chipmunk cheeks, or a short neck. But they're still gorgeous!

So we take these already-stunning girls and gloss them over until they don't even look human.

And then we wonder why "normal" girls have self-esteem issues, and why healthy girls everywhere feel fat and ugly.

Maybe this sounds uncompassionate or hypocritical, coming from someone who manages to make a living off her appearance, but I genuinely think the route to beauty isn't in make-up or plastic surgery. The answer is getting some goddamn exercise, smiling a lot, and learning to love your idiosyncracies.

Confidence, health, and self-respect is sexy, no matter how big your nose is or what your nipples look like or whatever. Especially since, ultimately, we're all going to get soggy and old--which is why we should be cultivating those traits that will LAST our whole lives [i.e., confidence, health, and self-respect], instead of focusing on superficial transient details.

Fuck your underbite--someone thinks it's cute. Forget your small tits--in twenty years all your girlfriends with big tits will be envious of how yours manage to not be these huge cumbersome back-injuring sandbag things. It's all so subjective--the most successful fashion models tend to be girls you would think looked like aliens if they weren't fashion models.

Whatever you look like, there is nothing as unsexy as, "Ah, god, am I getting fat? Do I have crappy hair?" Shut up! Go do something fun and stop thinking the whole world is looking at you, dammit!

And if the whole world IS looking at you, it's probably because you're nice to look at. That or someone drew a cock on your face with a permanent marker while you were asleep.

Upskirt

DropJaw Photography, Fremont, CA, 20...11?

This is real. My ankles weren't happy with me after this.

Makes me think of the Wicked Witch of the East from The Wizard of Oz. Is that just me?

Naked

Corpse on Pumpkin, Portland, OR, 2011

I like this picture a lot. It's in my Top 5 photos of myself.

Jesus, does that sound narcissistic, or what?

But really--after a few thousand squillion photos, it's hard to find a true stand-out, where you see yourself being portrayed in a way you wouldn't have expected.

Jaret's good at that--a lot of the models he works with are pretty prolific, and you see them everywhere. But through simple portraiture, he shows them in a new light--somber, naked, vulnerable, destroyed, doubtful, or defiantly strong.

This was taken during a really, really strange and difficult time in my life. I don't know if that makes any difference, but perhaps it does. I feel like it shows. Maybe that's just me.

Anachronism

Tintype by SweatNapper, Oakland, CA, 2011

Everyone's become so obsessed with wet plate, it's kind of a bummer.

Don't get me wrong--there are some AMAZING wet plate photographers who have a great grasp of the medium whom I've been wanting to meet for some time [they know who they are, as I've been in contact with all of them].

But it's become so damn kitschy lately. My friend Samantha [model Sister Thyme] made this awesome Facebook post not too long ago: "Polaroid cameras: The instagram of the 70s. How to look like an artist with the most minimal effort involved. (Polaroid is not an art form. It's a tool.)"

I think the same thing applies to alternative process, at least to a degree--there are so many people who can barely render an image, let alone do so artistically, or they do so only by setting a very artificial environment [like putting their camera, and a softbox, in fixed positions in a light-proof room, and having every model come and sit down in a chair marked by tape, so he never has to fiddle with exposure, and so there's never any variability from image to image...at BEST, that's commercial portraiture]. And yet we're expected to give sanction to anyone who just happens to have invested in old methods? Sorry. No. It's awesome that you're experimenting--I'm a big, big advocate of dabbling--but the tools you use don't automatically give you holier-than-thou artistic street cred.

I've done a few wet plate shoots--all trade--and other than the time I worked with Eric, I came out of the shoots without a single image having been rendered [at all--just a blank plate].

That's fine--shit happens--but if you can't guarantee that even one image will render [of course you can't guarantee that it'll be usable--maybe the model moved or it was just a bad shoot--but there should at least BE a shot], unless you guys are good buddies and she's just hanging out, you should pay the model for her time. Otherwise what is the "trade" for?

I want to work with Eric again at some point. He does daguerreotype, too--which is so, so fucking fascinating to be a part of. I have a giddy reverence for daguerreotype, and would love to find more people who are competent with such a crazy-involved medium--so far, Eric's the only person I know of.

Bitches!

Art Silva, Santa Barbara, CA, 2012

Today, you should go do something that scares the shit out of you. Not tomorrow--today.

[/platitude]

But, really, you should! Go, go, go! And feel free to tell me about it, if you do.

Yeah, I'm talking to you! Get off the damn Internet!

Koo koo kachoo

YouAtHome Photo, San Jose, CA, 2010

Some nostalgia for you--this is from one of my first shoots ever.

It was a lot of fun, and I'm particularly fond of these because they mark the first time I'd done a shoot where the photographer allowed me significant creative control instead of micromanaging me to death.

I'd make suggestions for compositions and concepts and he'd roll with them, every time. Sometimes they didn't work out, but they often did--and I was more focused on having fun, anyway.

Even NOW, I'll work with photographers who claim they're seeking creative collaboration--and when I come up with a concept, they go, "...Nah. Let's just go back to you leaning on that tree." Boooring.

The only unfortunate thing is that I decided to montage the photos in this ugly way [with permission]. I thought it'd be a good idea. Now I don't have the originals. Oh well.

Otanjoubi omedetou

Gary Breckheimer, New York, NY, 2011

Happy birthday to me!

That's right. The big two-two--according to many, the year we stop giving a shit about our birthday. Really, I stopped giving a shit about my birthday years ago...but this one's a bit exciting.

Over the last couple years, a certain boy kept telling me that twenty-two is the year we REALLY begin to grow up. That a few deeper things start shifting around at twenty-two into a product more solid, more self-sufficient, more set in semi-permanent identities, which makes it all the more important. If you've read Pullman's His Dark Materials trilogy, I guess it'd be the year our daemons choose a permanent form, or something.

He told me all that, and I said, "You're full of shit, you pretentious toiletface."

But still, I thought it was a neat idea--something to look forward to.

And now I'm twenty-two, so I'll be able to see if his theory applies to me.

Granted, I don't think the clay's going to be drying yet. Not at twenty-two, and not any time soon.

Midnight to noon, I'm a desert child

Brainchild of the fascinating Erin Wilson--both the photographer and second model. Alameda, CA, probably 2010.

Guess who's going to Burning Man this year!

I've never gone [I've never been able to afford it--or at least, never been able to justify the expense, especially when you factor in all the necessary preparation].

About a month ago, I was sitting in a bar talking excitedly to a girl behind the counter about metal work, including MIG welding [which I'd just tried for the first time earlier that day], and a guy who turned out to be a professional welder jumped into the conversation. Half an hour later, I was being introduced to his boss. Two weeks later, I was offered a job at Burning Man--assisting in set-up and tear-down before and after the event, rescuing stranded tourists and fixing basic mechanical problems with their cars, and maintaining golf carts for a couple hours a day during the event itself.

I'll be there for a little over three weeks at most. Transportation, admission, food, and amenities are all covered--all I need to bring is a dust mask and goggles, and whatever ludicrous crap I feel inclined to lug around.

Gam zeh ya'avor

Ted Williams, Mt. Diablo State Park, CA, 2012

Just got back from an amazing week at Yosemite...but that's another story.
Off to Burning Man tomorrow.

This is an infrared photo from a recent shoot--it was 105 degrees outside. Ted got nine ticks but I got zero [despite being the naked one]! Whoohoo!

Anyway, I have a riddle for you:

What's one sentence that will make any sad man happier, and any happy man sadder?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
"This too shall pass."
 
This has recently become a mantra of mine in times of both happiness and sadness--in times of euphoria, frustration, peace, boredom.

Keeps me moving and keeps things in perspective--lends me resilience when things suck, and cultivates my gratitude when things are amazing.

I've got that summertime sadness

L Raye, South Bay Area, CA, 2012

Isn't it gaaahgeous? I love the composition and contrast. All credit due to Larry on this one...all I'm doing here is leaning on a tree and flashing my tits [and pits!], after all. 8P

Anyway, this shoot was pretty recent. Very laid back and a lot of fun--at one point I was walking through a giant field of gloop. Really, it was gloop--squidgy bottom-of-the-pond sort of sucky-squelchy, goose-poop-infused mud. I kept sinking in it and getting semi-stuck. I don't know about you, but I found it a lot of fucking fun [really, I did!] but I'm into shit like that.

I realize that my recent posts have either had nothing to do with modeling...or they've been a bit on the negative, chastising side. I don't think they've been unconstructive, formless bitching--but certainly negative. Rest assured that a good, fat portion of my experience as a model has been richly rewarding and fun--and at some point I'll get around to writing more about the good stuff, and giving more acknowledgment to the really amazing people I've met.

Admittedly, I've been more socially reclusive than usual this summer. Lots of nitty-gritty internal-existential work to be done [what else is new?]...but I've still been living at least as fully as ever.
As a stark departure from the sort of music I generally seek out, I've been listening to a lot of Lana del Rey lately. Her "image" is obnoxious and I usually don't care for poppy-trendy-sadcorey music like hers...but for some reason her stuff strikes me and earworms its way into my head for days, and I'm more-or-less okay with that. Perhaps it's because her voice is kind of similar to mine [in terms of range and tone quality]--except of course that I'd say hers is better, in a league I aspire to yank my own voice into with time. Mreh.

Still not modeling a whole lot--pretty much only working with long-time correspondents and collaborators--but I've been modeling some. The photo above proves it, and there are more to come. 8]
This would be a good time for me to throw in a little notey-note: If you've been wanting to shoot with me, please just get in touch! I'm almost always on semi-hiatus...meaning I'm rarely modeling full-time these days as it's become increasingly tougher to choke down a living through modeling alone--much less to do so while not spending every hour of every day hunched over a computer--but I'm ALSO rarely on a complete no-modeling-at-all hiatus, so there's always room to squeeze in shoots here and there with enthusiastic artists and good people.

Ground rules [part II]

Photographer and fellow model CarlyErin O'Neil from when I last visited her and Ted Wulfers in Los Angeles, 2012

Continuation of last entry's rant. 8]

3. Keep in mind that traveling models often operate on a tight schedule.
In my experience, most models while traveling consider a "three-hour booking" to mean "the clock starts when I walk in the door, and ends when I leave" unless otherwise specified in advance. There's pressure, when traveling, to book as productively as possible--we're far from any secure home base and we may only be in your city for a couple days, having paid airfare or spent a lot of time and money on driving.
I've had photographers leave me in their homes or studios so that they could go run errands, or who have taken phone calls that weren't urgent...and then return, assuming that I'm going to stay later to make up for the loss of shooting time. Unless we're on an extremely flexible schedule [like I'm crashing at your place and have nowhere to be for the day, and a way to entertain myself], I'm not. In many cases, I CAN'T, whether or not I want to, because I have another appointment after yours.

"Three-hour booking" doesn't mean "three hours in front of the camera"--unless I show up and you instantly whip out your camera. You're paying for my time--how that time is SPENT is your choice. I show up to a shoot, ready to be productive for the entirety of the shoot--I don't get on the Internet or take phone calls.
If you MIGHT need more time, say so: "Hey, I know we said three hours, but I might need a bit longer--can I pay you for a three-and-a-half hour booking instead of four hours?"
If there's a very long commute/hike involved or a lot of preparation, that's PART of the shoot time you're booking me for. I may be happy to negotiate my rate to something lower if a large part of the day will consist of being in a car or going on a nice hike or sitting around getting dolled up--but I DO need to know in advance how long the ENTIRE shoot will take [especially for things like make-up--so that I don't wind up having another shoot scheduled for later that day with a photographer who wants me to show up with a clean face]. Or maybe you think it'd be nice to get a meal together before/after the shoot--that's totally fine, and of course I won't charge you rates to take me out to lunch, but I STILL need to know about it, in order to see if my schedule can account for it.


4. Let the model know in advance about tag-alongs

Fairly innocent mistake--and personally I am almost never bothered by this, because usually the people who come along to a shoot are really awesome, whether models, photographers, assistants, spouses, designers, etc.

However, some models are not comfortable with being surprised by extra company. Think about it: she's a girl, traveling alone, possibly without her own transportation, meeting you for the first time, and you drive her to some location and there are a bunch of your people there and she's alone and now she has to be nude and model effectively while they all watch.
And I WILL say that I have had a couple of incidents where a photographer brought a friend whom I really, really, really wished was not there. Bringing another photographer is fine with most models, but some models have different conditions or different rates for shared shoots--and some models just plain don't like it, period, so clear it with her first. Same goes with bringing another model--I love meeting other models. I DON'T love showing up to a shoot where some model is there, and it's assumed that I'll be down to do erotic work with him/her, even though nobody asked me. Don't assume anything!

And please use good judgment--if you have some buddy who gets overly excited about the idea of you photographing naked women, do NOT help a brother out by suggesting to him that he tag along to your next shoot so he can witness some T&A in person. Especially if he manages to scare off all the ladies when you two go bar-hopping together. He may think you're awesome for it, but the model probably won't.

5. Don't touch the model without her permission.
I feel like this one should be obvious, but sometimes even the most well-intentioned photographers breach this without thinking about it.

Some models are fine with you adjusting them, and perhaps even welcome it. Others absolutely do not want to be touched, which is not too hard to fathom: you're alone together, likely in a place familiar to you but foreign to her, she's nude, and she's trusting you, so take extra caution to respect her boundaries.

It's really, really important to ASK [not TELL--none of this, "Hey, I'm going to just brush some dirt off your butt, okay?" and then doing-it-before-she-has-a-chance-to-answer bullshit]. And don't just ask her once if you can move her foot and assume that her saying "yes" is a green light for you to later adjust her however/whenever you'd like. Ask each time.

Try to avoid making adjustments, anyway--if you start offering to brush her hair off her chest when she can just as easily do it herself, or to bend her leg when she can just as easily do it herself, it generally comes off as you trying to come up with excuses to touch her, whether or not you mean it that way. If she's in a compromised position [like she's in the PERFECT position except for one tiny thing that she can't easily adjust on her own, or she's tied up or something], then of course it's reasonable to politely ask if you can make the adjustment.

But here's another way to think about it--part of working well with models is in YOU learning how to give good verbal directions to them. Giving direction is not something that comes naturally to everyone. How can you cultivate that skill when you're just reaching out and yoinking things into place, instead of communicating?

I'm hoping these all sound like commonsense ways to handle working with someone for the first time--it's basically all like that. If you are honest, open, and considerate--and respectful of a model's right to say "No" to anything she's not comfortable with--then there should be no problems [at least not on your end--I can't speak for all models, but the ones I've met generally tend to be pretty cool ladies].

Ground rules

Christopher Lee Donovan [who's fucking awesome], New Hampshire, 2011

Sometimes at shoots, photographers [usually newer photographers] have asked me nervously what it is that they should avoid doing so as not to alienate/offend their models.

The answer to that is easy--common courtesy--but also a bit complicated, since standards and opinions are wildly different from model to model--but in general, I don't think it's something photographers should have anxiety about. At least, not any more anxiety than anyone else would have about treating any professional relation well. Models are included in "anyone else", of course--models shouldn't get to be jerks, either.

As long as you try to be courteous and communicative [communicative is a big, big, big one--don't spring surprises up on the model when she GETS there: "Oh, by the way, I was hoping to do erotic work," or "Oh, by the way, you should have worn long pants, we're going to a tick-infested location," or "Oh, by the way, I hired a body painter--what do you mean you have another shoot right after this one?" Tell her all of that shit BEFORE the shoot].

I think it's important for models to be able to stand up for themselves given the inherent risks [and bullshit] of the profession--but I also think it's important for models not to offend too easily. But some are more sensitive to certain things than others, of course.

But there are some subtler things that simply haven't occurred to some photographers, so for the benefit of both photographers and models [at least I HOPE this list might benefit someone], I'm going to list a few things that are good precautions to take if you don't know what will/won't offend a certain model [obviously if you know her better and KNOW what she does/doesn't mind, then following some of these guidelines may not be necessary, but they're a safe starting point for a first-time shoot]:

0. If you want to explore an edgy concept, let a model know BEFORE you schedule a shoot--first thing--and accept "No" if it's her answer.
Here's the catch: this applies EVEN IF you've seen a few erotic photos of her before--or even many. If she doesn't explicitly market herself as specializing in "erotic nudes" or "adult work", then don't assume she'll be down to do anything, anytime. Maybe she's got a new boyfriend, or trying to redefine her image as a model, or discovering religion, or whatever.
Generally, it's a good idea to suggest edgier concepts with models who have ALREADY met and worked with you at least once--they've already got a gauge of who you are and how they feel about you, and are more likely to accept.

1. If you're having her wear something, please, please make sure it's clean.
I was recently asked to put on some lingerie by a photographer, and when I took a look at it there were some...ahem...leftovers on the panties. Not something I particularly wanted to slide into. And the photographer reacted to me pointing it out to him by BLAMING THE LAST MODEL who had worn it and being all grossed out. Don't do that, either--it's not HER fault--just fucking wash it! Jesus! The end. Would YOU want to wear some other guy's skid-marked underwear?
I'm not a huge stickler for hygeine--other than lingerie/panties, as long as a garment doesn't completely reek, I don't care whether it's been washed--but I know some models only like clean wardrobe/bedsheets/etc., and will only wear tights that have just come out of a package.
Same goes for make-up, by the way--if it's been all over one model's face, you're probably best off just giving it to her. Make-up can accrue some nasty bacterial shit. Some models care, some models don't--but it's just respectful and plain NICE to not push the model into an uncomfortable position if she DOES happen to be one who cares. Just ask her to bring her own makeup, or get some cheap shit or a make-up artist. Or go makeup-free [I'm not wearing makeup in about 80% of my photos, and no one seems to mind]. The alternatives are endless.

2. When it comes to flattery, be tactful.
Many models like it when they're told they're pretty and so on [some don't, but whatever]. I am never offended when someone makes a nice offhand remark about my appearance and says I have nice hair or a good figure or whatever. That's all fine and dandy.
But please do not ANALYZE a model's anatomy out loud during a shoot--you wouldn't do that to the barista at your local coffee shop, so don't do it to a model you've just met, either. Just because she's agreed to pose nude doesn't mean she'll be any less uncomfortable/annoyed/whatever if you decide to rip off your filter. Please do not start comparing a model's boobs, out loud, to the boobs of other naked models/women you've seen. It's creepy, it's rude, and--trust me--no one cares.
I've been told, "You've got the best boobs of anyone I've shot!" and I've been told, "You know, you've got an INTERESTING look, but I don't think you'll attract much of a market as a model," and everything in between. And in neither case were the comments at all necessary.
Criticizing other models doesn't make it any better: "Your abs are hot! You wouldn't believe all these models who come in and they look thin in their photos, but they've got these fucking tummies on them..." I cannot stress how little I care about the presence or absence belly fat of other models--and it makes you sound like an asshole, frankly.

To be continued in my next entry [Monday]...as an auto-updated entry, because I'm going to be backpacking in Yosemite and will be civilization-free for a glorious eight days! Booooo-yah!

I'll even be modeling a bit while I'm there. Hah. 8B

Taking Stock

Toy camera photo by Jeff Greer, Virginia, 2011

All month, I've been ruminating on what I want to do next. It's a good time for that. All of July--and even much of June--has been one big fat commercial break in my life. A time when I haven't put myself out there much--socially, as a model, and otherwise--and have been trying to feel out what I truly want without forcing it [trying to force insight isn't all that effective, I've found].

What I want as a model is becoming clearer, and at some point I'll likely write a post about that instead of just alluding to it. I don't want to IDENTIFY myself as "a model" or be seen by others as "a model", but incorporating "modeling" into my life as one of the many things I do is something I would like to continue.

Here's the agenda as far as I know right now:

August 4th-11th: Backpacking [and modeling] in Yosemite National Park
[Then a short intermediate period during which I'll be attending to personal things.]
August 15th-September 8th: Black Rock City, NV [more commonly known as BURNING MAN!]

September 9th-26th: THIS is the big Wild Card period. I might stick around California for Thai massage training. Or I might find a way to get my ass out on a modeling trip! Time [and interest, and funds] will tell.

September 26th-TBD: Presumably modeling in South America [likely Peru]...?
Sometime in October: Modeling in and around SLO

I wanted to get to the East coast/Midwest. Arr, I still do. At this point, that looks a bit unlikely--but I haven't given up on it entirely yet! If I have a couple weeks freed up and book enough work, I'll find my way!

And if I don't end up making it over there this year, it WILL be an extended destination in 2013, even if it means moving there and/or getting a seasonal job there. Pinky swear! There are so many Midwesterners and East Coasters with whom I want to work. I don't know what it is about the east coast modeling scene, but working there rekindles my love of modeling every time, no matter how jaded I'm feeling. Something about the modeling scene in that part of the country...it's just different. Less bullshit, less antagonism, less hustling. More focus on creating beautiful things and having a good time without the bureaucratic nonsense.

There are wonderful people elsewhere in the country, too--you know who you are--but they're harder to find and it seems more filtering has to be done--when I go back east, being a model feels like the best job in the world.

Mariposa has excellent ostrich burgers

Enough said, really.

Still no updates that are relevant to modeling. The other night I got to look through a $20,000 telescope at Saturn, a set of double-double stars, the Ring Nebula, the Whirlpool Galaxy.

Also, my back currently looks like the skin's been ripped off due to multiple Gua Sha treatments [the marks will be gone within a day or two]. I have to admit...I feel fucking phenomenal. I'm going to try to squeeze in one more before my class ends that should fade before I head off to Yosemite for some modeling in the backcountry!

Full moon tomorrow night. Ever since living in Kings for six months--constantly in touch with, and at the mercy of, the outside elements--I've had a decided fondness for full moons, and for their decided ability to make people get a little wonky.

Ted Williams, Bay Area, CA 201...0?

These two photos are infrared, in case you were wondering why they look a bit funky. Ted's really cool--he's the person who inspired me to look into going on an artist retreat. By 2013 I want to just up and do it. We just shot again quite recently, actually [for the third or fourth time] so those shots will be up soon!

Ted Williams, Bay Area, CA 201...0?

It's hard to know where to draw the line...

Christopher Lee Donovan, NH, 2011

...and how darkly to draw it. And over time the line tends to wiggle, blur, split, and migrate altogether. Making it, of course, no longer a line, until a new line--a very different one, usually--is established.

The other day I got an email.

On the one hand, it was extremely courteous, and it was very up-front and honest--no details of what was being asked were hidden. In my mind, being candid and up-front is paramount, and it's never wrong to ASK for something as long as you do so transparently and can take "no" for an answer.

On the other hand, the proposition of the email was something that I found absolutely impossible to call "art" rather than a personally-motivated sex-trade transaction. Which is absolutely fine--but belongs in a different playground than the one that I play in, and is not something I could ever sanction as artistic.

Basically, the "photographer" wanted to pay me to send him cell phone pictures of myself shaving my pubic hair. The message was a page or two long, detailing how this was part of some grand art project of his, compiled entirely of cell phone self-portraits of various girls flashing their boobs and masturbating.

Initially I was offended at the stupidity of the request--not because of what he was asking, but because he kept saying it was part of an "art project", going into in-depth explanations, as if making the assumption that I would blindly regard it as a noble cause if only he managed to justify it well enough...all of which seemed an insult to my intelligence, given that I normally would never think of doing such a thing for money.

Then I realized it really had nothing to do with me. He probably wasn't trying to "trick" me into doing something I wouldn't normally do. Perhaps he really DID think of it as an art project, and that was what he told himself. Perhaps it was a genuine social experiment he was hoping to carry out. Perhaps it was his justification to HIMSELF more so than to me.

So I sent a response, trying to be as kind, honest, and constructive as humanly possible without being a pushover. I told him that I appreciated his candor and courtesy, but that I couldn't understand his project [nor his role IN his project as either an artist or a photographer], and that I found his request to be somewhat offensive as I didn't consider it something that fell within the parameters of "art modeling" or within my personal limits, and that I suspected a lot of full-time MM models may feel similarly. All that being said, perhaps he'd have better luck on other websites with more like-minded members: fetlife in particular as a place to find more open-minded, even exhibitionistic, participants, but also some paysites [as he was essentially soliciting "cam-girl" type services"] and possibly certain dating/networking sites.

Patience is not my strong suit, and my "bullshit, bullshit, bullshit," alarms were blaring at this guy, but I tried to be genuine and gentle, I really did.

Anyway, suffice it to say that he wasn't happy with my message [in one part of his message he bashed a photo of mine saying that it was liable to cause people to judge me, so I went ahead and stuck it at the top of this entry for your judging pleasure].

But the thing that really set me off was that he explained that his project had artistic merit...on the grounds that he's a professional photographer and does other photographic work.

First of all--I have no way of even knowing if that's true. I've come across fake portfolios before. It's the Internet. He's got no references, no evidence of anyone who's worked with him, because he doesn't shoot models--he shoots commercial/travel stuff. [Supposedly.]

But more importantly...okay. When someone asks me to send him crappy up-close cell phone photos of my vagina, I see "male seeks female for straight-from-the-source amateur porn." I don't care if he's usually a lawyer or a doctor or a movie star or a bum...or a photographer. When he offers me a few scraps of cash in exchange for the rights to ogle my pussy at low-resolution, then in the context of our interactions, he's just an Internet pervert. Identifying as a photographer doesn't win you some sort of all-access key to every girl who identifies herself as a model.

That shit doesn't take a camera, let alone any skill or creativity--it just takes a PayPal account.

You don't get to break the no-touching rules when you're watching the dancers at a strip club just because you've got a day job as a personal trainer or a massage therapist.

So I told him in no uncertain terms what was on my mind. A part of me wishes that I hadn't been quite so cross the second time around [I can be pretty fucking harsh when someone pushes past my tolerance level], but so it goes.

Anyway.

I do NOT think that man was any sort of predator at all--he was quite honest about what he was seeking. What I DO think he was is self-deluding, which is why I think my message back to him [suggesting that his project might not be interpreted as art by the general ModelMayhem population and that he might be more successful on sites like Fetlife] offended him so much.

There is an epidemic of photographers who lie to themselves--I have heard NO ONE complain as much about the dreaded "GWCs" as GWCs who are in denial that they themselves are GWCs, who see themselves as belonging to some other category, and who likely complain so much because a subconscious part of them knows that, really, their motives are no different.

Honestly? I appreciate the honest GWCs. The ones who know what they're after--and they're still courteous and respectful, but they don't put on all these bullshit airs. The ones who will come out and say, "Yeah, I'm looking to shoot glamour nudes; I'm looking for very sensual poses and expressions," instead of making some scrambling attempts to disguise their sex-appeal-motivated work as "fine art" [whatever that even means], which is how you end up with unhappy models who wind up feeling like they've been tricked into shooting something smuttier than their comfort level likes. There are plenty of models who LOVE shooting glamour--your work will come out better if you just work with them from the get-go, instead of trying to sweet-talk some asexual tight-bun traditional-art girl.

As far as I go, I don't know where the line is drawn. I've certainly done some glamour work, and some erotic work. I've also refused some glamour work, and refused a LOT of erotic work. I've certainly worked for beginner photographers, or with photographers who were not beginners but whose work didn't resonate with me, and I've certainly factored payment into my decision of whether or not to work for someone [though money is never a reason all by itself--not if the photographer is an asshole or potentially unsafe, and not if the work is completely out of my comfort zone]. I've worked with some photographers whom I would regard as GWCs, and I've also refused some photographers purely because I felt they were GWCs. There are so many factors that go into it--of course, much of it has to do with who the photographer is as a person [if he is a cool guy, courteous, and fun, then I am a lot less picky about what sort of work he's shooting than if he's rude or crass or flaky], but in truth a lot of it has to do with where I am, personally, at the time. And that's a variable that no one else can control.

But anyway, moral of the story: just be frank--with yourself, and with the models you contact. Every model has different motivations for modeling, and different limits. Let the dissenting models say no--even if they judge you, it doesn't matter in the long run. Plenty of other models will eagerly say yes and enjoy working with you, and everyone will be happier.

PS: To end on a positive note...there have been a few times in the past where I looked at a photographers portfolio and instantly thought, "Yup, GWC," and, for whatever reasons, agreed to work with him anyway...and wound up getting absolutely PHENOMENAL images and having a GREAT time. That's the thing that keeps me from being too judgmental of a photographer based on his work--my decisions are far more affected by the messages he sends me, how he comes across, how much bullshit he spews, how direct and sincere he is [or she, of course--but I'm usually not concerned with "Girl With Camera" types so it's irrelevant for this entry].

Bleeeugh

Andrew Kaiser, Portland, OR, 2011

Trivial things about me, since I'm feeling distinctly ew-gross-it's-the-Internet today:

1. I generally travel with a small stuffed white tiger that I've had since I was six. He's worn this weird reddish tulip kerchief for the last ten years or so. He's currently hanging out on the cot I've set up under the trees outside [it's been so beautiful and warm I don't need a sleeping bag].
2. There are few slang terms, if any, that annoy me more than "hella". Despite being from the Bay--or perhaps because of it.
3. On the other hand, I tend to abuse "dude" and "sweet". I guess I couldn't completely escape my California heritage, after all.
3. Despite my nomadic tendencies, and my minimalism in practice when I DO have a home base somewhere [I never bother with furnishing or decorating any room I live in--the rule is that I should be able to move out within ten minutes, half hour tops], and my disregard for fashion...
4. ...I've had an uncharacteristic penchant for interior design my whole life. I can spend hours poring over home improvement catalogs with good pictures. I don't get it, either.
5. I didn't complete any math classes between seventh-grade Algebra and college Calculus. My first Calculus thought I was on the slow side for the first couple weeks, since I didn't know my Trig functions nor what logarithms were.
6. In addition to modeling, I've been paid to write resumes. Funnily enough, I haven't had to write a resume for myself since I was seventeen.

Voyeurism

Magicc Imagery, Maryland, 2011

Sometimes it's the candid behind-the-scenes shots that wind up being my favorites.

This cat was following us everywhere, so I stopped to give it some attention.

Scott and I had been in touch since I had first, first begun modeling and he was one of my most encouraging supporters-from-a-distance early on in my career. When we finally had our first shoot, years later, it was on a really cool organic farm sort of place--there was so much to play with. I wound up scrambling up a huge pile of mulch [I swear the thing was almost thirty feet high] in order to hang naked off the bucket arm of a backhoe that was perched on top.

We did standard figure work, as well--but these plain and simple--even accidental--shots often end up being my favorites. Not only from my shoots with Scott, but in general. In a way, they're more revealing than the most vulnerable, ripped-open stare of a subject into the lens a camera could ever be.

Our second shoot was even cooler. I'd mentioned offhand to him that I'd been wanting to meet the model Melissa Trout, since I'd heard a lot of things about her that had given me the impression I'd like her.

So he surprised me by booking us both when I was next in DC, and the entire shoot revolved around the two of us sitting at a table drinking coffee and eating croissants that he'd prepared in a quaint setup, and then doing each other's hair by a window. He said, "Just talk for the next hour or two, ignore me, and I'll try to capture something cool."

He did--there are a load of cute shots of us laughing, talking, eating, spacing out. Here's one of them:

Magicc Imagery, Gaithersburg, MD, 2011

Where are you all COMING from?

So, first of all.

I've just noticed that the page views for this blog skyrocketed [relative to what they were before] a day or two ago. Tripled, at least--and particularly on a day when I didn't even make any updates. What the fuck?

Weird. It's not like this is the only site on the Internet featuring nude photos.

I guess I should be excited or something, right? Why would I be sticking all this stuff online, if not to gain some sort of readership? I AM excited, or at least I assume I must be--but right now I'm more surprised than anything. Seriously--I've got no clue where you all just came from. Unless I just have one very redundant stalker who checks my blog a squillion times a day.

Anyway, switching gears back to life:

This place is incredible.

I arrived--the school itself is tucked away on the instructor's beautiful property--full of buildings he made himself [he's also a carpenter] and a vegetable garden. The classroom itself takes place in a large barn [built by our instructor, of course], complete with a sleeping area, kitchen, bathroom and shower, a skeleton and various models of human anatomy, tapestries illustrating different relevant concepts...a didgeridoo...

We're allowed to sleep on the grounds--in either the classroom barn, a large backyard teepee, or outside anywhere [I just set up one of his cots last night and passed out under the trees and stars]. The night had that summer pulse to it. A single cockroach crawled over me in a friendly sort of way, and for some reason I found it more comforting than disgusting.

13.3 hours of class a day, taken with four other students--already we've been cementing a sort of familial feeling that I find almost nowhere, and it's been unusually easy and natural to do so. The curriculum is EXTREMELY broad, and some of it is pretty esoteric [for instance, I was attuned to Reiki 1 today--a concept I hadn't even heard of until recently, and a lot of our curriculum revolves around Eastern medicine and "energetic" concepts].

As far as the "esoteric" stuff goes, now's a good time for that sort of thing: I grew up a hard-hard-hardcore skeptic who gave no consideration to anything that wasn't based strictly on the physical sciences--even psychology and some biology were "New Age hoodoo juju" to me--but my attitude has been softening a bit due to my experiences of the last two years and I'm not a lot more receptive to giving every school of thought a sincere, open-minded chance before writing it off as hokum.

I'm pretty fucking excited. Intense-and-short-term is what suits me.

Okay, okay, I know what you're here for. Figured this entry mandated a nature-y sort of photo:

Bob Freund, Bay Area, CA, 2011

What's to come

Bob Freund, Sudbury, MA, 2011

So I've really started getting into yoga. REEEEALLY started getting into it.

Bob Freund, Sudbury, MA, 2011

I've been doing at least one hour [often two or three] of intensive yoga practice--various styles, either extremely strength-and-balance-focused [power yoga or stronger vinyasa flow routines], or very deep stretching [yin yoga or slow flow]. Per day.

Bob Freund, Sudbury, MA, 2011

These photos were all taken BEFORE my current yoga kick took off. I haven't done any crazy figure work in a while and I'm extremely excited to see what sort of posing I'm now capable of--my strength, balance, flexibility and focus/gracefulness/flow have all been improved upon. Hint, hint! 8]

Paul Ward, Brooklyn, NY, 2011

Not that anyone particularly cars, but I've been really into this thing called Shadow Yoga, which I discovered by accident through a Power class. The movements are beautiful and rather ambitious--I've been humbled quite a bit through the learning process. Even more so, I've been REALLY interested in Tantric yoga [it's not what it sounds like], and since last winter have been into Unnata [aerial silk hammock] yoga.

Paul Ward, Brooklyn, NY, 2011

Anyway, tomorrow marks my first day of an intensive, 24/7 massage therapy course in Mariposa. At the end of it I should have enough hours to get my California Practitioner License [though I'm not yet sure which state I'm going to be based in this winter]. I'm quite excited. 8]

Duh

 I love this photo so much that it gets its own entry.

Rebecca Lawrence took this in late 2011--featuring Keira Grant, Meghan Claire, and me. What a rare occasion--we're all in the same state at the same time. When has that ever happened? [Never, is the correct answer.] [And it likely will never happen again--not all four of us at once, anyway.]

Anyway, this is the tail end of what had originally been a dinner party at Keira's boyfriend's place among friends, most of whom were not connected with the modeling world.

Then all the boys went home, so we took our clothes off.

But this sort of thing is one of the best parts of modeling--meeting other girls who are quintessentially unabashed in their approaches to [whatever]. 

After a few hundred pretty photos...

...I much prefer looking a bit destroyed. To me, that's far more beautiful.

Looking like I stink--dirty, grimy, sweaty, swamp monster with sticks in my hair. Yes.

Looking pissed off, scared, dehydrated, bewildered, drugged, or otherwise mentally compromised.

Showing off my scars, freckles, and frizziness.

MUCH more fun than being asked to make up my face and hair, suck it in, stick it out, engage the camera with contrived coquettishness.  

Looking to render a pretty girl jaded, ugly, tired, or delirious? I'm your man!

This one's quite recent! By the lovely and multitalented Samantha Ylva Beasley, from when I last visited her and James Wigger. I was coming down with a fever when this was taken, actually. 8]

Deep Exposure, San Jose, 2012. Expired Polaroid.

R Michael Walker, Orange County, CA, 2010.

J Andrescavage, Seeecret location in the Bay Area requiring a solid walk-to, CA, 2010.

Jeff Greer, somewhere green and humid around Washington DC, 2011. I call this the Mowgli-popo-squat.

Murcko Photography, Port Townshend, NY, 2011. My belly was bleeding from a large scratch because of a pin that had been hiding in that dress. There are also shots from this day of me wearing Crocs with my hair in my mouth and covered in sawdust, but I'm too lazy to dig those up just now--another day.

Marco Bhimani, Los Angeles, CA, 2010. Reveling in grossness, dirt, and oil. Also, he let me keep that shirt! 8]

Andrew Kaiser, Sauvie Island, OR, 2012. The swampy, flea-bitten end of a momentous day--these cows all ran up of their own accord and assembled behind me.